Inspiration Explanation: Part II

I can’t help but feel that something went wrong.

Everything fell apart before our very eyes and there was NOTHING we could do about it.

I have held off from blogging because I have had no words until now!

No one ever would have thought that I would become pregnant and have a diagnosis of breast cancer simultaneously, move back to the UK from America for treatment, have chemotherapy whilst pregnant, have a beautiful baby, then 6 days later she would undergo surgery for rare congenital heart defects, survive surgery, but then suddenly die 14 days later, I’d have a mastectomy and breast reconstruction 20 days later, then my baby’s funeral 9 days after that, and now more chemo after an unsuccessful egg harvest to rescue any potential fertility I had… which is not looking promising…

My name is Laura and this paragraph above sums up the last 12 months of my life.

I am a rainbow mama twice over, I am a breast cancer warrior, I am here and present…. And I really couldn’t tell you how I am still standing.

But I am.

I feel like the Black Knight in Monty Python and The Holy Grail. You can strike every limb off of me and I would still say ‘tis but a scratch! But I don’t want to be this person! I would love to have a nice, steady, quiet life, but life has different ideas.

And we are ok with it. We have to be, because there is no other way to be.

Grief has engulfed us, and it’s not just for Meisee that Haydn and I mourn, but also everything else we have had to sacrifice along this path. But we keep going and will continue to do so.

When I started Adventures on a Rey of Light, I couldn’t think of anything worse than what we went through with our first daughter, Rey. Now life has taken on us on a completely different adventure – and it is one I would never wish upon anybody. I just hope that some good can be inspired, and come out of this. (The good news is it already is and I’ll go into more detail in the next blogs I post.)

In the meantime, please keep us #WaldenWarriors in your thoughts as I finish chemo and the mightiest of girls Rey and #MightyMeisee

With love to you all xXx

Inspiration Explanation 

(Please note before reading, that a lot of this was very hard to write, but it has helped me heal – skip on if you find paragraphs hard to read. Thank you xxx)

You are an inspiration. 

Since the biggest challenge of our lives, Haydn and I have heard this phrase from friends, relatives and people who we don’t really know who we’ve inspired in some way. I never really know how to respond, except to say I am glad and that I hope this helps you in your journey through life!

The hurdles we have scraped over in the seven 1/2  years we have been together have been tough, but we have always supported each other and kept pushing through the shit storm thrown in our general direction.

From my near death experience 11 months into our relationship through peritonitis, being told we couldn’t have kids then successfully conceiving without trying, to losing our little miracle before we could meet her properly. Then moving to America so Haydn could persue his career in DDPYoga. Who knows what’s next! (You’ve probably gathered we don’t do things by half measures…)

I guess the big thing is the fact that through all of this we have remained positive, even in our darkest hours. Our vision since losing Rey has been to spread the positivity she left us and to let it blossom. We didn’t meet our girl with cries and nappy changes (I was actually so excited by it) but I know the legacy she has left us means she is still by our sides and having an effect on the world.

We made the most out of every last moment we could experience with her – going on a “family” Christmas holiday to Hamburg whilst the kicks were still happening, reading George’s Marvellous Medicine in utero, taking advantage of seeing her on scans – my favorite was seeing her make a swipe for an amniotic needle!

We were even there for her after death and were determine to be the best parents we could be. After I gave birth, I got to hold her straight away, Haydn cut the cord. We had cuddles aplenty, and even got to bathe her. The hospital was amazing. There was a cold cot which meant we could stay with her overnight and we had breakfast in the morning with our girl in between us!

Every day we visited Rey, the hospital chaplain had her laid out ready for daily visits where we would tell stories to her about ourselves, relatives, aunties and uncles through friendship! I would sing her songs and Haydn would always read to her. We continued to do this for the two weeks before her funeral.

This was a big deal for us. Many parents don’t want to be involved with organizing their child’s funeral, but it was possibly the best decision we made. We organized every little detail. From the order of service, to the flowers, to the songs, the prayers, Rey’s coffin, her little dress we had made. My girl was tall for 24 weeks old, and she didn’t fit any of the premmy clothing at the hospital. So we had her dress made. She wore a blue and purple kimono made from the fabric left from my wedding dress. She even had little blue booties with mini pearls on the end. It was perfect.

The funeral directors told us that the funerals they remember are the ones where the family goes that extra mile to make it special and we put in plenty of mileage! The hardest. It was working out what to do with Rey’s ashes after. I know many mums experience aching arm syndrome, so we asked a seamstress to make a little heart pouch for us. This was to be put in “ReyBear” who was one of her teddies nana walden gave her. We had a little zip sewn in the back of ReyBear and that’s where she now lives. Because of this, the funeral directors now offers this service for stillborn/latemiscarrige/miscarriage parents.

Some people call us inspirations, but  in truth, all of our inspiration comes from Rey.

And with this, I hope you; my valued readers understand the blogs title – Adventures on a Rey of Light.

She is that beam of light we travel on, and it may have taken me a few months to gather the courage to finish this post, I now look forward to sharing many more adventures with you that are in the planning!

Much love to you all

Laura xXx